After I went through my first long term relationship I realized (like all men do) that I had a fundamental misunderstanding of how the opposite sex works. To my surprise, I also found out that women don’t really know how they work either and if they do, they have a difficult time languaging it in a way that men will understand. Being the person that I am, I needed to know what the cause of this was and how to fix it.
This misunderstanding has sent me deep down the rabbit hole in my attempt to understand what women need in a relationship and more importantly, why they need these things. If you’re a man you probably have thought that a lot of the things that women find important can seem confusing and arbitrary. However from an evolutionary perspective, these preferences make perfect sense.
To truly comprehend the relationship between men and women, you have to understand the setting in which we evolved in. You also have to know the biochemistry of the female brain, which turns out, is very different from the male brain. Once you learn these two areas you will understand why we have the preferences that we have.
The Current State of Men and Women
If you’ve been paying close attention to the gender war which has been brewing, you’ll see that the relationship between men and women is becoming more and more fractured. Here are some of the reasons for this divide:
The two most common resources for men to learn about women and sexuality are pornography and “pick up artist” books. These resources not only tell you nothing about what women want; they also turn women into objects and warp the sexual desires of the men that read them. This is the sad state of male sex education and with almost no decent resources, men are left completely in the dark and helpless.
For women to better understand themselves, they need proper education and the aid of new scientific research. Unfortunately, it turns out we are lacking immensely in both areas.
When it comes to sexual education, we previously have relied on our education systems; which is laughable at best. In fact, some schools even avoid using the terms “vagina” and “clitoris” while teaching female anatomy.
Then there is sex research, which is incredibly underfunded due to religious ideologies. Researchers are constantly under attack by abstinent promoting politicians and parties. This leaves most of us with solely anecdotal evidence to navigate the very ambiguous and diverse waters of human sexuality.
With the education and research on sex and relationships moving at a snail’s pace, this fundamental breakdown in communication between genders was sadly inevitable. The consequences of this breakdown are becoming more and more evident every day. Divorces rates at an all-time high, people are withdrawing themselves from the dating pool, and others settle for less than ideal mates. I consider this a massive problem which desperately needs to be addressed.
The good news is that there are some books and resources, both old and new, which have come out containing answers to the questions at hand. I am going to share with you five books that will profoundly change your paradigm on women, men, and our relationships. These books contain the latest cutting edge science and theories on the human brain and evolutionary psychology, along with vast empirical evidence. Whether your looking for a short, medium, or long term relationship, by the time you finish these books, you will possess the proper tools to find, maintain, and improve the relationships that you desire.
5 Books Every Man and Women NEEDS to Read
Vagina: A New Biography by Naomi Wolf
If I had to choose only one book from this list to read, it would have to be this one. In terms of understanding women, this is one of the most important books I’ve ever read. Naomi Wolf does an excellent job at laying out all of the latest science and research in relation to the vagina, the female brain, and female sexuality. Throughout the book, she uncovers the very profound connection between the vagina and the female brain. This connection, she discovers, can have life transforming effects on female consciousness which can be either extremely positive or extremely negative depending on the situation.
She then does a fascinating dissection of the many different roles the vagina and female sexuality have gone through the past five thousand years leading up to present day. At the conclusion, Naomi gives you a practical and easy to follow strategy, based on science, for staying happy (if your a woman) or keep the women in your life happy. This is a truly insightful book that will change the way you view female sexuality and will give you a greater appreciation for women in general.
Check out this fascinating talk by Naomi Wolf to get a preview of what Vagina is about: Naomi Wolf on Vagina: A New Biography.
Mate: How to Become the Man Women Want by Tucker Max and Geoffrey Miller
Whether you want to hook up with as many women as possible, casually date a few different people at the same time, or find and maintain a long-term relationship, Mate is a self-improvement book, back by the latest science, that will help you get the type of relationships that you seek. With an anti-pickup artist approach, Mate will teach you how to become a more interesting, effective, and empathetic person which will in turn, make you more attractive to women. This is a basic guide that every man wished they had been given in their teenage years. Albeit this book is written for men, it would be an superb gift to a boyfriend who is eager to step up his game.
Tucker Max and Geoffrey Miller also have put out a podcast called Mating Grounds ,which I highly recommend.
The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature by Geoffrey Miller
The Mating Mind is a deep analysis on the latest theories of sexual selection and how sexual selection has shaped human evolution. It contains convincing arguments to some of our biggest mysteries such as why do we value the arts? How did our brains become so large? And why has our language become so complex? It becomes clear that the desire to send our genes into the future has profoundly shaped our species. This is a tremendous book for understanding the environment in which we evolved, and gets to the core of our sexual preferences.
The Guide to Getting it On by Paul Joannides
With over 1100 pages, The Guide to Getting it On is an enormous treasure chest of information about various different aspects of human sexuality. It literally has EVERYTHING you need to know, plus they continually add to/ update the resource regularly. This guide goes through everything you need to know about human sexual anatomy, tips for improving all aspects of your sexual repertoire, as well as getting the type of relationships that you want. If you had to pick one instructional book about sex, this would be the one.
The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene
Don’t let the title fool you. The Art of Seduction is a book filled with timeless and proven tactics of seduction. Robert Greene dissects hundreds of books and pulls from real life masters of seduction such as Cleopatra, John F. Kennedy, and Casanova. He then distills their key strategies into 24 rules of seduction. Although considered controversial due to his ubiquitous use of the words “manipulate” and “victim”, this book is a fascinating look into human psychology which is meant to be read with a light heart.
Listen to Robert Greene discuss The Art of Seduction on his Mating Grounds episode.
After reading these books, I can honestly say that the ways in which I view relationships has been completely transformed. I now have a clear understanding of the common ways in which relationships fall apart and how easy the fixes are when a basic understanding of the needs of both genders, is established. This goes for attracting a mate as well. We all have attractive qualities, but if you don’t know how to present them effectively, they will go unnoticed and the struggle to find a quality mate, will continue on. These five books are the most current, science backed resources I have found on the subject and I hope they are as helpful to you as they have been for me.